


i don't know what the rules are but i'm pretty sure i'm breaking them

by phanqueray



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Divorce, M/M, inspired by celeste and jesse forever, tbh it aint even inspired i just ripped c&j off lmao, theyre sad n they cant do anything abt it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:31:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanqueray/pseuds/phanqueray
Summary: Dan and Phil are burned out, broken up, and barely talking. But that doesn't stop Dan from showing up on Phil's front door, relapsed, engaged, and terrified of his own future.  (Inspired by Celeste and Jesse Forever)





	i don't know what the rules are but i'm pretty sure i'm breaking them

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to a fic i wrote at almost 2 am on my 'old' (fuck u dan) 5c phone i was rly emo n the title of this was i am so sad.docx

“I miss you.” Those are the first words that Phil hears come out of Dan’s lips as he’s sitting on the pavement right outside of their old home. Followed by, “I also started smoking again.”

Phil just nods, putting his car keys in his back pocket. He stares at Dan for a beat too long, pursing his lips as Dan puts the cigarette between his teeth and puffs out a cloud of nicotine. 

Dan looks different, worse even. His eyes are tired, his lips cracked. His hair is just messy and everywhere. He’s wearing a white jumper and the shorts Phil gave him their third Christmas together. He looks like a disaster but Phil can't help hold his breath because being able to  _ look _ at Dan at all is a fucking pleasure. 

8 months. 8 whole months of not even a text and suddenly he shows up at his doorstep. Phil’s supposed to be filled with anger because ‘why haven't you, at least, called me’ but instead, a surge of affection coarses through his veins, making him want to walk forward and wrap his arms around the shoulders of someone who used to lull him to sleep.

Phil looks at his car behind him, at Dan, and then at his house. He sees Dan squint up at him and Phil doesn't try to fight the ‘I miss you too’ rising to his throat and spilling it on the space that separates them. His voice is raspy and uneven but he doesn't care. He gives Dan a small smile. 

Dan smiles back, but it's sad and tiny and the silence lingers on before Phil sighs and says, “Do you wanna go inside?”

  


“If I’m being completely honest,” Phil hears Dan say in the living room as he closes the door behind him. His chest is heavy and he bites his lips. The view of Dan hunched on their grey couch is a mix of emotions Phil didn't know he’d feel. It's like he's looking into the past, looking at the person he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with, broken and bothered, a trail of smoke coming from his fingers. 

“I don't know what I’m doing.” Dan chuckles before looks back at him and Phil catches his breath. 

He’s crying. 

Phil shuffles towards him, slow but surely and still with a sense of urgency. He feels the sluggish rise of his protectiveness and, out of habit, he grabs Dan’s cigarette and crushes it on the ashtray of his coffee table. They're sitting side by side, not daring to go into each other’s space. 

Phil wants to, though. He wants to wipe Dan’s tears and kiss his knuckles. He wants to mumble how everything's gonna work out into his curls, to assure that he's gonna be okay and  _ they're _ gonna be okay. But his heart is aching at the fact that he can't, because Dan’s his fucking  _ ex husband _ and Phil can see a diamond on his ring finger. 

“Are you happy?” Phil asks even if he knows it's stupid to.

Dan grins, eyes averted from Phil and it's too painful to stare at, forced and stretched and thin. His hands move and Phil doesn't follow them until he realizes they're on his. Dan sighs, shrugging, carefully entangling their already fitting hands. It slips almost effortlessly and Phil doesn't let go, even if he can feel the metal in between his fingertips.

“I want to be.” Dan looks at him. “But I don't think I am.”

Phil closes his eyes and fumbles with Dan’s ring. He knows he’ll regret asking this question, but before he realizes he's even speaking, the words have already been said. 

“Then why are you staying with her?”

Dan lets go of their hands almost immediately. He buries his head in his hands and gives a long groan. 

“Because she’s fucking  _ pregnant _ , Phil.”

Phil's heart is a pound heavier. “Oh.” Is all he can manage. 

“I don't know if I'm ready to be a dad.” 

Phil doesn't know what to say. 

“But it doesn't matter if I am because I'm gonna be anyway. The baby won't wait for us to fall in love or whatever. Everything is so shit. I—”  Dan’s voice cracks and Phil can hear him draw a breath and push down a sob, “I don't even know her middle name.” 

His silence ensues. And a few moments after, they're sitting in it. They're sitting idle, letting the slow ticks of time suffocate them until it's almost unbearable and Phil can barely breathe. 

“I’m sorry.” He finally says, biting his lips so he doesn't keep saying things he’ll hate right after. He watches Dan as he slowly leans back, look at the ceiling and then glance at Phil. 

“What’re you sorry for?”

“Pulling the trigger on us.” His fingers inch towards Dan’s, cupping them in his palm. Dan doesn't stop him. 

And the silence comes back. 

“I should get going.” Dan says. 

Phil nods. 

No one is standing up. 

Instead, they lean forward and embrace. Phil closes his eyes once more and feels Dan’s breaths on his neck. Dan squeezes his shoulders, his fingers digging deeper into the skin he once loved to kiss and Phil wants this to last for a few more lifetimes. He wants all his regrets and problems to disappear in this hug, for him to open his eyes and wake up to the absence of his mistake beside him, to Dan’s curls in between his fingers, to the faint sound of his snores syncing with the rise and fall of his bare chest, with Phil’s fingers drumming on it for him to wake up, for the universe where everything didn't go to shit and where Phil can still kiss Dan good morning. Now, the love of his life is about to get married to a woman he doesn't know, because in two months, they’ll sit parallel to each other in suits that are uncomfortable, with their attorneys guiding them on what to sign to get rid of each other. 

They don't let go. They just stay in security, in each other’s space, the space they always used to invade, but slowly and out of protest, they inch away from one another. Their foreheads are touching. Phil holds his breath and opens his eyes to a Dan not ready for fatherhood, to his best friend’s bloodshot eyes and heavy breaths. He can feel them hesitating. He can  _ see _ them hesitating, Dan biting his lips and Phil stopping himself from tracing his spine and cupping the crook of his neck. They're close. They're too close and Phil can't help himself. 

His hands has found an area he has memorized, his thumbs caressing the cheeks of someone who has a mark on his lower lip. Dan gasps and they hold their position still for just one moment, one excruciating 5 seconds.

Hesitating. Hesitating.  _ Hesitating _ .

They kiss. 

It's slow and it burns his lips. It makes him shut his eyes again and wrap his arms around Dan’s neck, like he always did, like  _ they _ always did. Dan’s hands are on Phil’s back, catching him even if he isn't falling. It's almost a process, a conversation. They talk about how Dan is the only person who Phil has ever fallen in love with, the only person he can ever be in love with. But Dan is engaged and due for a child, he’s impulsive and stupid and miserable. This kiss is impulsive and stupid and miserable, because Phil knows Dan will disappear again without a trace, because ‘ _ they’ _ have been dead ever since Phil cocked his gun and decided to shoot, because Dan has too good of a soul to even consider leaving the mess he accidentally started. Still, they kiss. 

And then they let go. 

“You should leave.” Phil says, but both of them know he doesn't want to. 

Dan nods but he's still, unmoving. He gulps and stares at Phil’s eyes. “Can we just lie down for a sec?”

Phil hesitates before nodding, bracing himself for the pang of familiarity. They lie down in sync, Dan’s arm wrapped around Phil’s belly, breathing into his shoulder and closing his eyes. Phil inhales sharply, remembering all the nights they've burned out and ended with this, with the softness of unhurried time as their ally, with them hopelessly, irretrievably in love with each other. 

Dan whispers, kissing Phil’s temple, “I can't believe I’m having a baby with someone who isn't you.”

Phil closes his eyes and smiles. When he wakes up, Dan is nowhere to be found.

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to comment kudos n stuff <3


End file.
